Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving revolves around family, friends and food. We celebrate all the great things in our life. Thanksgiving is meant to have no pressure, no gifts, just be with your loved ones and enjoy their company. I HATE Thanksgiving.

It never fails that I have a family member tell me “you’re so pretty, you’re so thin” YES, I love the compliments, but it only fuels Alice (eating disorder) even more.

Alice – “yes Chelsey, people notice your looks, they see that you are no longer the bigger girl, now you know we have to keep up what we do to stay thin and pretty.”

This is exactly what Alice tells me every compliment about my appearance I get.

I am so jealous at Thanksgiving. Everyone can eat and feel no regret. They talk about how stuffed they are, they go for seconds and thirds and even have dessert. They graze on the appetizers, they have multiple meals in a day. No one knows the fucking hell I am going through.

Alice – “we will not eat all day, if you starve yourself all day, I will allow you to have Thanksgiving dinner. Only have a few chips and dip, shrimp is ok, absolutely no dessert.” Dinner comes, “look at everyone else’s plate, make sure you eat less than everyone else, don’t finish everything.” Dinner is over, “You ate way too much, you should purge, then have just a few pieces of turkey and shrimp, that is healthy, and I will allow that.”

I go upstairs and purge.

There have been thanksgiving’s where I have eaten and purged multiple times. I eat less than a normal plate, and still feel the need to purge. I starve myself all day and often the week leading up to Thanksgiving, and I still battle.

One of the goals I created for myself when starting treatment was, I want to enjoy holidays again. Be able to pay attention to the conversations, enjoy the company, have the dessert, be present. I am not there yet, but I am hopeful.

For others who have a normal relationship with food, be cautious of your comments to others, you never know what they have going on.

Today is the Sunday before Thanksgiving, and it is already giving me anxiety. More to come after the dreaded holiday.